Monday, June 2, 2008

Seasons change...

I have been suffering through a very difficult season of life. The last few years have been very hard on me and Shooter and about 8-9 months ago I began to see light at the end of the tunnel. I realized that how I was feeling wasn't "normal" and I needed to do something about it. We had moved away from good friends, I had resisted finding another church, I hadn't made any new friends, I would lay on the couch most all weekend, I would fall asleep on the couch most every night, I could hardly get myself out of bed in the morning, I was in a bleak and dark place. I made the decision that I needed to go and talk to someone about what was going on with me. Turns out that my counselor and my doctor both told me that I had every classic symptom of depression and anxiety. I was put on a miracle drug that almost immediately began to pull me out of the dark hole that I was in. I felt like myself again. I started finding churches to drag us to. I started reaching out to friends. I began to take control of my life again.

Things were going so well that I almost forgot about the dark demon that lay unconscious beneath the medication. I did a good job until about 9 weeks ago. The demon seemed to awaken, come out of it's hibernation. I felt myself slipping again. The world graying out ever so slightly. The tiredness was creeping back in and so was the lack of interest. The highs and lows more pronounced than they used to be. It was very scary.

My doctor suggested that I switch my medication to something else. A much stronger drug and one that my counselor said will either work wonders or will make things worse. Well...guess what....I fell into the category of the latter. The depression was at first under control, but now it's not. The anxiety came back with a vengence and was once again my constant companion. I begged my doctor to please put me back on my other medication but he insisted that he needed to see me for an office visit. Which I could not get for another week.

I came home on one Monday night and just lost it. Shooter has been so good to me and he had cleaned up in the house and swept the floors and hauled out the old carpet and sealed the tile floors and done so much work since he got home and all I could see was what he hadn't done. I lose control of my anger when the anxiety takes hold and I was so angry at him. The next minute I had dissolved in tears knowing that how I felt was not right, but not knowing how to make it better.

I got a tattoo on my wrist that is the word HOPE written in Hebrew. It's there to remind me that I have hope that this demon can be defeated. I sometimes forget that it can be defeated. I guess all I really need to do is tilt my head to heaven and take in His glory. Trust that He'll guide me through and fill me with what I need to sustain me. It's hard, but others have suffered through worse.

I visited Angie Smith's blog, Bring the Rain, a while back and once again felt like she was speaking directly to me. Her post called Tilted really spoke to me. I understand her battle with God. How her frustration and anger and sadness causes her to scream out to God. I've been there, I've screamed at him too. I've questioned why. We all probably have at one time or another. I don't dare make it sound like I know the anger and frustration that she's dealing with - I don't know what it's like to lose a baby - but I know a little about struggling to get through each day and not knowing where your strength will come from.

Thankfully, now, I'm on a stronger dosage of medication and am feeling much better. Getting out of a routine takes a toll on me - it takes me twice as long to get back into the swing of things as it used to. It's just hard for me to not be hard on myself and wonder why I can't just pick myself up and get on with it.

Yesterday, our pastor began a new series called The Walk. He's starting a walk across Georgia next Sunday to raise awareness for his ministry called H.O.P.E. This series is in conjunction with that walk. One of his verses smacked me on the forehead, and I'll leave you with this:

Jeremiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.


Di said...

Been there, it sucks, I seem to take a trip back there every once in a while too~ quite unhappily. It's a rough spot to be in for everyone.

Good thing Shooter understands and you guys have the love and strength in your relationship that you do. Good thing God loves you and has given you the strength you have ti see and make it through.

Christine said...

Ugh. Good luck and hugs to you.

And keep in mind: your inner Kevin would probably suggest you burp the alphabet, or something.

Jenny said...

I've been there too. It was a dark and scary time. I'm so very happy to hear that you're feeling better.

And thank you for sharing your story, I think it will help others who read it.

I love the passage, thanks for sharing that too!


for a different kind of girl said...

I am adding my voice to those here who can say been there, done that, still sometimes have to give it a shake. I think sharing the story at a level and at a time when you're comfortable, can be cathartic. I hope we all find the peace we desire.

Vanessa said...

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time of it. I hope your darkness lifts soon.

Bogart in P Towne said...

I know all too well the destruction that depression can bring...not only to the person suffering, but to the spouse that goes through it with you.

That disease is so difficult on everyone. I am sorry you are struggling with it.

And, as someone who has been in similar shoes as your husband, make sure he gets breaks when times are tough...couple that with seeking after God and they can make all the difference in the world.