People, ignorance really is bliss.....
You see.....I have had a revelation......and not the kind of self revealing revelation that is awesome....no, this one pretty much sucks....
Shooter and I tried for many months to have a baby. For a while before that we were not exactly trying but not exactly not trying.
I've never been one of those gals, and I consider myself very lucky, who's had bad PMS or heavy periods or painful cramping. But tonight, as I got up at 1:30am to go to the bathroom, out of the blue, mother nature had thrown me a curve ball. I had a new badge to add to my Girl Scout sash of life.
Well, this sucks, I'm one of those women who's had a miscarriage
You know, when the brain gets going, it's like a train and it takes a long time to stop it. Before I could stop myself, I was thinking that I've probably miscarrried several times in our venture to get pregnant. I remembered several times where I would have the most painful cramping. I mean, hurting so bad I couldn't sit down on the toilet because of the pain, pressure and burning but I knew I had to so I could get rid of the pain. In reflection, I remember wondering why I was having that kind of pain and then be grossed out by what I saw in the toilet. It never occurred to me that I might be losing a baby. That what we were trying so hard for was just rejected by my body. Ignorance is bliss......
I have laid in bed for almost 30 minutes, trying to put my mind at rest so I could go back to sleep, but I can't. My mind has started wandering to the "what might have been" place. I feel sad for the children who might have been. What would they have been like? Would they have been a boy or a girl?
I'm letting myself mourn for the children who might have been. I also have a new found love for those who've lost babies as well. We all know someone. Listen, in no way do I profess to know what it's like to go though the heartache that so many have felt. The elation that comes from a Big Fat Positive, the joy from telling family, and then the ultimate sorrow you see and feel when it all slips away. I can't imagine that! That takes a strength I'm not sure I have.
My friends, those of you who wear the badge of "I've Lost a Baby" on our Girl Scout sash of life...you're in my thoughts tonight. We're a group who's numbers are large and always growing, unfortunately.