Thursday, September 16, 2010

Ignorance really is bliss.....

People, ignorance really is bliss.....

You see.....I have had a revelation......and not the kind of self revealing revelation that is awesome....no, this one pretty much sucks....

Shooter and I tried for many months to have a baby. For a while before that we were not exactly trying but not exactly not trying.

I've never been one of those gals, and I consider myself very lucky, who's had bad PMS or heavy periods or painful cramping. But tonight, as I got up at 1:30am to go to the bathroom, out of the blue, mother nature had thrown me a curve ball. I had a new badge to add to my Girl Scout sash of life.

Well, this sucks, I'm one of those women who's had a miscarriage

You know, when the brain gets going, it's like a train and it takes a long time to stop it. Before I could stop myself, I was thinking that I've probably miscarrried several times in our venture to get pregnant. I remembered several times where I would have the most painful cramping. I mean, hurting so bad I couldn't sit down on the toilet because of the pain, pressure and burning but I knew I had to so I could get rid of the pain. In reflection, I remember wondering why I was having that kind of pain and then be grossed out by what I saw in the toilet. It never occurred to me that I might be losing a baby. That what we were trying so hard for was just rejected by my body. Ignorance is bliss......

I have laid in bed for almost 30 minutes, trying to put my mind at rest so I could go back to sleep, but I can't. My mind has started wandering to the "what might have been" place. I feel sad for the children who might have been. What would they have been like? Would they have been a boy or a girl?

I'm letting myself mourn for the children who might have been. I also have a new found love for those who've lost babies as well. We all know someone. Listen, in no way do I profess to know what it's like to go though the heartache that so many have felt. The elation that comes from a Big Fat Positive, the joy from telling family, and then the ultimate sorrow you see and feel when it all slips away. I can't imagine that! That takes a strength I'm not sure I have.

My friends, those of you who wear the badge of "I've Lost a Baby" on our Girl Scout sash of life...you're in my thoughts tonight. We're a group who's numbers are large and always growing, unfortunately.

L.

5 comments:

whitney said...

aww Laura =( I'm sorry *hugs*

kwnelson08 said...

Love you Laura - thank you for this post


Kelly

Bekah said...

im so sorry laura

April said...

Laura,
I'm so sorry to hear this. I teared right up. I've had a chemical pregnancy (which is a term I freakin' HATE cuz it's like someone is downplaying my loss. To me, I still lost a baby, no matter how early) that I know of but after having it confirmed, I'm pretty sure I've had one before, approx. 1-2 months before I got preggo with Hunter. It sucks and it's not fair and I too, often think of what might of been, the babies who might have been (I have LOTS of friends who've suffered from loss like this unfortunately). My thoughts are with you, hun.

tz said...

I'm so sorry -- I've been there, it's difficult. You were very eloquent in describing your pain, it was touching!